Marriage and its sequences

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‘Then after marriage and the kids came, there were too many responsibilities. Now sex is late at night when we are too tired to really communicate. Yet we really care for and respect each other’ It is the answer of a man to a question about his married life which has been quoted from ‘The Hite Report on Male Sexuality’ an updated report on male sexuality prepared by Shere Hite. His answer reveals the fact that there is much more to a marriage than carnal embrace. So a married couple should try to keep the marriage alive and lasting. Newly married young people usually cherish a desire for privacy, for a time of togetherness, before having a child. Both partners wish each other for close company. The partners of an arranged marriage where love comes after marriage are supposed to drink a love-potion, then strive for reliability and predictability by making love which is ultimately to affirm life: new families, new generation. With the passage of time, both partners have mutual interests and share a common vision of life’s purpose. Each celebrates and supports the other, not only in low moments but also in high. But all this thing is likely to occur if both partners live under the same roof.

It has been noticed that many young men marry headlong without forethought at short notice just before going abroad for work. This sort of partners finds very short time to build up an intimate relationship. At this time of departure hardly they have any commitment to each other. So people should take a good look at the issues that are likely to cause problems in their conjugal life. Otherwise, the marriage itself may be found in the rubbles. The immediate heat of passion after marriage could imperil the fidelity of each other. The partners are likely to handle their private lives in bad ways where ‘sex’ is obligatory and love is a dirty word.

As women of our society are not allowed to make love out of the wedlock, no wonder married women who do not have their husbands in their excitement, may dare to enter a clandestine relationship without having distanced themselves from their first marriage leading to a conjugal infidelity. Extensive literature has been created about conjugal infidelity yet. Many soap operas are made out based on it. All that are finished with an unpleasant consequence, conjugal infidelity is not at all a rare case at present, rather all strata of our society experience this common nuisance. It is now one of the prime causes of divorce in the first marriage.

The trauma of divorce is really heavy to a woman who has been faithful to her husband. In most cases, women are divorced on charge of adultery which is not really true. Besides, a divorced woman has also been stigmatized by the backbiters so severely that nobody could advance to marry her again. Love comes many times, in many guises. Neither discourse nor dogma can bind it, for it is the stuff of creation itself. But society approves of it for once as a legitimate one. It is believed that most of the men do not marry the women they had been most in love with, although they say that they love their wives and don’t want to leave them yet their cordiality seems to their wives as cupboard love, for the men abuse their wives without much good reasons. When a married man falls in love with an unmarried woman, for him it is not much difficult to continue the relationship since he has seldom been queried about his fidelity to his wife. It is of no concern because we believe that men are more interested in sex than women are and the virility of men is always free from taint. Moreover, it is not a matter for polygamist to marry his ladylove even without the consent of his first wife. The relatives of the distressed wife hardly encourage her to sue the husband for her dignity as they know that it would rather put her social position in jeopardy. The wife herself is also afraid of the vulnerability to back biting. Because she has hardly any means to survive alone. So she has to sustain everything without any protest. On the contrary, given good health and enough time and energy, a woman can equal or even exceed a man in her desire for sex. In an episode of cyber romance, hopefully all my readers have knowledge about it, a woman left her husband and child to end her life being tortured (an example of sadomasochism) by her cyber lover.

If a married woman falls in love with someone who is either unmarried or married to somebody else, the circumstances for the woman are quite different and difficult as well. In this case love is a risky game and the woman has to be tough to win the match. In fact, toughness is necessary for woman of our society for her survival. If the woman could not control the flame, the yearning for a tete-a-tete with the new lover, that only would make things worse. As a climax to this episode, the woman may leave the husband and even the children burying the mother and the chastity. Although very few affairs come to the same thing, the brunt of an illicit love falls enormously on the children. At the first stage the children could find themselves avoiding others, then suffering psychological disorders and ultimately become desperadoes. So this common nuisance (conjugal infidelity) should have to be extinguished from the society at any cost.

Both men and women should come forward to check themselves not to be entangled in this sort of social evil. Every couple should realize the truth that no marriage is conflict free. There might be a lot of interruptions in conjugal life. In a book on marriage the great psychologist Carl Rogers tells us that when he turned 40 he mysteriously became impotent. This condition lasted a full year during which time his wife remained supportive. At the end of the year, his impotence disappeared, never to return. His wife’s patience so touched Rogers that he knew he would love her until the end of her days. We all know that sex is essentially impersonal and casual as well while love is simultaneously specific and universal. People should not let the sex myth ‘sex gets boring with the same partner year after year to ruin their marriage’. It is rather worth of spitting racing from bed to bed in the quest of sensual pleasures. Master and Johnson, authors of the landmark book ‘Human sexual Response’ believe that there can be good and enduring sex with a lifelong partner. According to them, ‘Sexual boredom is frequently the result of not knowing your mate well enough or investing too little of yourself in the relationship. To maintain freshness, both partners may want to try being more adventuresome, more creative and more playful in their love making. I believe that a marriage may not have been a right match for its partners from the beginning, yet the couple should try to overcome the confusion and difficulties arisen between them to make their married live peaceful. The partners need enthusiasm, loyalty, courtesy and patience to be successful in this attempt. Thus the married people would be able to celebrate the end of the ‘so-called social evil’